The question that sparked my journey back to self
Two years ago I was “that” woman. I should have been happy. I was well employed, my only child had successfully transitioned into university, and I was in a marriage that seemed perfect from the outside. But mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I was not well. The life I was living required me to make myself small. To ignore my interests, to turn away from my dreams to shore up another’s, to repeatedly have my passions and beliefs dismissed, belittled, and disparaged. My body had begun to shut down in protest; physically shouting at me to tend to the dis-ease that I had been ignoring in exchange for perceived stability and security.
Then on March 26, 2023, during one of those fun 3 am perimenopausal/menopausal awakenings, I found myself once again mentally reviewing what I might do differently to “save” my marriage, to feel more aligned with my friends, to find joy in my life, and suddenly asked myself “what would you do if you only had yourself to please?”. I leapt out of bed and wrote down the following list:
- Cut my hair the way I want instead of keeping it long because someone else prefers it that way
- Get another tattoo
- Stop drinking – if I have to be drunk to be “fun”, I’m hanging out with the wrong people
- Go to bed when I feel like it, not when someone tells me too
- Go on vacation by myself
- Socialize with people in my home – my home is not an embarrassment because it isn’t a fucking mansion
- Maybe move out of Vancouver? Not sure about this one (spoiler alert – I did move)
- Keep expecting better in my intimate relationship – my body is a mother-fucking temple that should be worshipped and my pleasure should be a priority, not an inconvenient chore
- Go to concerts that I want to go to, even if I go by myself
- Find a way to work outside of my home one or two days a week – being here all the time is making me nuts
What seemed on the surface to be a flippant, off-the-cuff, mind-dump turned out to be the spark that set me on my journey back to self. That list dared me to start centering myself and reminded me that I was responsible for my own happiness. Two years later, I’ve checked off all but the last of that list, and made the hardest best decision of my life, which was to end my marriage. The journey hasn’t been easy, but I am much, much happier. I’ve discovered how resilient and resourceful I am. I’ve found joy in following the winding, diverse and eclectic path of my interests, and made peace with the missteps I’ve made along the way. I have found my true flow, and am living it every day.
So, tell me – what would YOU do if you only had yourself to please? And how could you start to incorporate those things into the life you are living now? It doesn’t require drastically changing your life like I did by ending a marriage and moving across a country. You can simply start trusting your innate knowing of what feeds your heart, mind and spirit, and find ways to incorporate those things into your daily life. You can start making space where you are, as you are right now, to choose yourself.
Let’s do this!
Brain dump time: make a list of what you would you if you only had yourself to please
Grab a pen and paper, your laptop, or the notes app in your phone and answer this question:
What would you do if you had only yourself to please?
Don’t overthink it; let yourself word-vomit any and all thoughts that come up. Don’t censor yourself. All those outside voices and critics will try to creep in; ignore them. This is YOUR time, your space, your list.
Dig deeper: what is your list telling you?
As you’ll see from my list above, your list may seem full of small, seemingly random things, but I invite you to look deeper. Put it down and come back to it over the next few hours and days. I suspect that like me, you’ll find clues to what is at the heart of your current sense of misalignment or dissatisfaction with your life. It will be hidden in the language you used, in the patterns you find in the types of activities you wrote down. For example, my list made it pretty darn clear that I needed to feel more autonomy over my body and appearance, and that I felt unloved and undervalued in my marriage.
Take action & start noticing: let this exercise be both fun and informative
Pick one thing from your list and action it within the next 2 days. Notice how you feel as you do it, and how you feel after. Did any of the things you feared would happen if you chose yourself for once come to pass? How did the people in your life react to you centering yourself for a little bit? The things you notice, the data you collect as you begin to experiment with putting yourself first, are powerful inputs that will help you gain clarity on where you need to tend to yourself, and your relationships in order to be more aligned with your sense of self, and your true flow.
I’d love to know what unfolds for you as you work through this exercise – drop a comment below if you’d like to share!
